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Tuesday, October 4th, 2011 ~ 4:46pm
  Another birthday, another storm, another drama-fest, another meaningless and thoroughly worthless year. The cycle continues. Endlessly. Perhaps this will finally be the October that does me in.  

( count the stars)

Monday, June 27th, 2011 ~ 9:34pm
mood: frustrated
When she said that she loves you and needs you, I felt the exact same words swell up in the pit of my stomach. Those words are just as true from my point of view. They're no less genuine.

I can't help but wonder.... would I be the mess I am today if you had stayed a part of my life?

I miss you. And I try not to blame you. I can't blame you for doing what makes you happy. When you have a choice between two things, you have to discern what's more important to you and make the best choice. And that's what you did. That's just life.

But that doesn't mend the hurt. I wish there was something that could. I wish I was as important to you as you are to me.

The irony of it all is, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be able to feel the way I do now. I guess life is just funny that way.

Just needed to get that out.

( count the stars)

I need respite.   
Thursday, June 9th, 2011 ~ 4:10am
mood: discontent
It's been so long since I've been able to live without the constant stress of "will this be the day it all unravels?". I've gone from sleeping pretty regularly to going two weeks with maybe ten hours of sleep total. I dealt with my anxiety pretty well. I certainly wasn't going forward, but at least I could go a week without some sort of panic scare. In my youth, I went years and years without throwing up, even when I was terribly ill. It now happens at least once a month simply from the anxiety and horribly low moods. Today, it happened twice. Which is a first, as far as I can remember. I'm falling back into old habits and taking on regressive personality traits that I used to display when I was far less a person than I am now. I've gone from making true strides with my self-esteem and being well on my way to truly loving and accepting myself to completely bottoming-out with it. As it stands, I estimate my self-esteem will surpass its previous low mark within the year. And that's only if my worst fears don't come to pass.

The scariest part is knowing that, in the lowest moment, what I am capable of is truly devastating. I seem to be rapidly approaching a place that I don't want to be. The idea that the right mixture of stress, depression and emotional crisis could lead to complete self-destruction is absolutely terrifying. That certain, specific combination of effects take me from making it through another day to losing it forever... I don't want it to be this way.

I've at last taken steps to start moving in the right direction. It took me a while before I realized I needed it and it took even more time before I could admit that I needed it. I only hope it can accomplish something before I find myself sliding over the edge. But how can it, when life refuses to relent the unyielding waves of stress week after week?

I really don't think this is going to end well. I'm losing hope. I struggle every day to see the good, the positive... the hope. Some days are easier than others but it's rapidly becoming impossible. I don't know if I can function without that hope. It represents a future that I can be happy with myself, accept myself and live my life happily with the one I care about most. I need that. Most people think I don't even try to see it when the truth is I struggle day in and day out to keep it near to me and it's probably the last thread left before my seemingly endless emotional freefall ends with a dull thud.

(2 broken dreams count the stars)

Please, life.... Stop.   
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011 ~ 6:35pm
mood: broken
I'm begging you... just stop for a little while. Why the fuck does it have to screw me over right when I start making some progress? I can't do this. I'm going to shoot myself in the fucking face. I'm never going to be whole and I'm never going to be happy. I can accept the latter but the former is too much. Just keep piling on and piling on..... The breaking point is reached. This week is the final straw.

I wish I could just pull the plug on it.... All of this.

( count the stars)

I think I'm losing it.   
Monday, December 13th, 2010 ~ 7:57am
mood: going insane
Why do I keep reading these things over and over? Why do I keep thinking things like that over and over? I just keep subjecting myself to the same pain. I don't know why, I just can't stop. Maybe because the more I do, the more real it feels. That constant reminder that it's real... it's necessary.

Do I give too much of myself? I'm not sure...

My priorities are fucked up, aren't they? I can't tell. I don't know what I'm doing.

Maybe Raymond is right, maybe I should see a shrink. I don't know. Doesn't sound like a good idea. Having a total breakdown in some stranger's office for some off chance that I'll be able to deal with being myself a little easier still isn't a fair trade.

A few months ago, I honestly believed that I could someday be happy and that eventually I could learn to enjoy life. It was the first time I could remember feeling that way. I thought it was a liberating feeling. I'm a fool.

I'm not ok with this.... Or... am I? What do I do? To stop babbling would be a start....

I don't know anything anymore... So tired.

(1 broken dream count the stars)

No matter what I do, it kicks me in the dick.   
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010 ~ 10:24am
  I can't ask for help. I can't do it. I can't ask people for help, and I can't admit when I need something or someone. And the more important something is, the moreso that applies.

I've been conditioned since I was a small child that asking for help or showing weakness of any kind leads to ridicule, humiliation, degradation and sometimes even scorn or punishment. That was what I learned when I was a child. It was beaten into my head for years and years. It's not something I can just reverse.

Eventually, I learned to bottle my feelings. I learned that they were weakness and that they led to reprisal from almost all outside elements. Further than that, I learned to be almost completely stoic. I presented myself on the outside as complete pretense. This is how I spent the latter half of my teenage years. I wasn't a person. What little I did show was entirely fake.

Then, someone very dear to me showed me how to be a real person. They woke me up. Allowed me to see that it was ok to be the person I was under everything. They completely changed me. And I am much better for it.

But here I am. Nearly ten years later. After 8-9 years of experience.... I still can't handle it all. I'm still an incomplete person, and I still seem to take as many steps backwards as I do forward. I'm no longer a loner, in fact I seem to be entirely useless if I am on my own. Yet I cannot ask people for support.

In all of this, I seem to have developed a need for co-dependency. I don't know how to take care of myself and I am incapable of asking even those closest to me for help, so I try my best to help others in spite of my own needs. Eventually, this behavior was bound to fuck up my life completely, but it's all I knew. And it seems that now is the time it has chosen to strike.

I am a weak, incomplete person and everyone who has ever grown close to me deserves better. I needlessly burden those I care about and who care about me. And I don't think that's ever actually going to change. It hasn't thus far, even at times in which I've thought I made so much progress.... It all just lands me right back at the beginning.

I apologize to anyone who ever loved me, considered me a friend or cared for me in any capacity. I have failed you all so severely. You do deserve better...

(1 broken dream count the stars)

Happy 26th birthday to me.   
Sunday, October 3rd, 2010 ~ 9:03am
mood: crushed
I'm currently in the worst depression I've had since the really bad one of late 2006-early 2007 when I was nearly suicidal. I don't know entirely what's wrong, but for some reason I just haven't been able to get over it. I usually deal with depression really well - only the really bad ones show, as I can just hide it normally and deal with it myself.

As if to punctuate my current state of mind, a storm rolled in no sooner than morning arrived. I normally quite enjoy storms but this one is just making my mood worse.

I don't know what to do. I feel trapped, and I can't see any solution to the problem. I'm so tired of seeing the people around me hurting and not being able to help the situation. I'm surrounded by pain and sadness and I can't do anything to ease it or escape it, so it's just swallowing me up.

My personality is also regressing. For the first time since I was a teenager, I feel like I'm becoming a worse person as time goes on, instead of improving. I'm struggling with self-loathing for the first time since 2006. I feel like I'm losing my sense of self. I'm finding it harder and harder to like myself because not only am I unhappy with my body and my personality, but also because I don't completely understand why.

Those are the parts of this depression I can identify. The rest, I can't really put a finger on and it's all getting harder and harder to deal with. I'm lucky to get six hours of sleep anymore, and I haven't gotten any more than that in over two weeks. So now I'm also constantly tired on top of everything.

I don't like being this way. I loathe being a burden. Even in this state, I so mightily try to push my problems aside so I can avoid dragging other people down. Most of the time, I am successful. When I'm not, it serves only to keep things spiraling out of control.

I'm... afraid. I don't entirely trust myself anymore and I can't afford that at this point in my life. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this before I let go and it starts affecting everything around me.

Well, that's enough out of me. It's been quite a while since I've needed to vent like that. Maybe that'll be the first step to turning this whole thing around.

(1 broken dream count the stars)

Monday, September 20th, 2010 ~ 5:21pm
mood: falling
It's ironic that I began this day looking through old saved conversations. Remembering happier times. Smiling. How could things have possibly crumbled so badly?

Why does it feel like I'm about to be screwed over again?

I really need someone right now. It feels like I have no one. I know it not to be true, but I can't trick myself into believing that right now. No matter what the truth is, it's very difficult to see sometimes when you're feeling drowned in so many emotions. But sometimes you just need someone and it's very, very hard for me to come to that.

I care too much. Far too much. Is that quality a fault or a blessing? I'm not really sure. And I'm not qualified to judge that as it is.

I've surrounded myself with chronically unhappy people. It's no wonder I struggle so hard to find happiness. It's not that hard to find, it really isn't. And this is coming from someone who suffers from chronic depression. There will be bouts, sure. But happiness is honestly not that hard to find if you genuinely look for it and let it in. It's so simple, even when there are major hitches with depression and any other host of problems.

Yet I still struggle against everything because every single person I care most about is never happy. Ever. Most of them don't let a single shred of happiness into their lives. It truly is a double-edged sword.

And so tonight I will spend alone. The one night I need someone. The one night I can't just push everything aside and soldier it. It truly is exceptional timing. Perhaps life is trying to tell me something.

( count the stars)

Now is one of those moments that define you..   
Sunday, February 14th, 2010 ~ 1:06pm
mood: pensive
So, the house I am currently living in is being auctioned out from under us by the city. We have a month to find somewhere else to live. Luckily, we were planning on moving soon anyway, so at least we have some money saved up and are not totally screwed. It's earlier than we'd planned, so hopefully we have enough money.

We should be fine. Even if we have to live in a complete pisshole, we should be able to avoid going homeless. But you never really know, so it'll be interesting. We're gonna try to move as soon as possible, so we don't have to pay our landlords rent next month. So it looks to be a busy rest of the month.

In other news, I am walking a tightrope emotionally. I'm feeling disconnected from everyone close to me and I'm seriously considering some kind of purge. Maybe it would be best if I started all over from scratch. Or close off entirely. All this time and I still don't really know how to handle it. I guess you never do.

I'm kinda glad this is happening. I think it's going to help me make the tough decisions and get things in gear, especially in regard to my future. I need some clarity. I have to realize what I want isn't necessarily what's best and I need to be equipped to deal with that. I think I've become too comfortable and complacent with my emotional situation. I need some objectivity to adequately assess the risks and whether or not they are worth taking or if I am just using myself up for nothing.

It's going to be a hell of a half a month.

( count the stars)

So, I learned the hard way...   
Thursday, November 19th, 2009 ~ 8:28pm
mood: depressed
Don't listen to your mp3 player to soothe you to sleep when Dearest is on it. You should have known better in the first place. That song will only charge you with emotion and it will have the exact opposite effect rather than helping you sleep. Moron. Not that you'd likely have gotten to sleep anyway.

In other news, life is pretty lame. Jeremy got his job back, but I still can't find one. The drug stores out here just went on strike, and I still can't grab a spot somewhere. How pathetic is that? It's frustrating to the point that I want to just stop trying altogether.

Along with that, I had to put down the best pet I ever had a few weeks ago. I don't even like cats that much, but she was awesome. She'd been with me since I was 11 and I can barely remember a point in my life without her. So yeah, that kinda blows. She was a really awesome cat.

Having a lot of trouble sleeping lately too. I can't sleep when I want to and I have trouble staying awake when I need to. Leads to me getting like 4 hours a day, max. And I have shitty dreams whenever I do sleep. I'm tired all the time. Random depression is becoming more prevalent. Just overall feel shitty and lethargic all the time. It's probably stress. I haven't been this stressed since I was in school.

I'm always trying to please other people and not setting much time away for my needs. That's all my life has become. But at least I have my friends. Most of them, anyway. Hanging out with Jeremy and Mike is about the only thing that can take my mind off of how little I enjoy my life. And it works, because neither of them enjoy life either. Haha. I don't think I could keep going without them around.

At least there's always music...

( count the stars)

Quite overdue update...   
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 ~ 6:14am
mood: melancholy
It's been a hell of a month so far. What a shitstorm.

Raymond is the man of a thousand excuses and that's getting old. The whole food issue came to a head this morning when he was confronted about it and he tried excuse after excuse to deflect the blame. Honestly, it's not all his fault, but he certainly isn't blameless in the situation. His lying about what he bought and not being up front about it is the worst part.

So Raymond may be moving out. Who knows. Maybe we can get the issue completely resolved and go back to the way things were before he started lying about it. Either way, things will be better off. I'm tired of the bullshit. It'd be cool if he stayed but if he's not happy, then what can ya do. He's not happy with the situation, and my mom isn't happy with him for the lying and tiptoeing around the issue.

Jeremy is probably moving in soon. Ever since he got laid off he's got nowhere to go really. He's always welcome here because he's a real stand-up guy and when he lived here before he even paid extra without even being asked to. Haha. Quite polarizing, isn't it? But yeah, J-Bone is an ace and a really cool person so whether Raymond is still here or not, his presence should calm the drama.

It's been really nice hanging out with Jeremy again. Hadn't really had the opportunity to for a long time. I don't want to sound like a dick for saying that, considering the only reason he has the time to hang out again is because he got laid off. But it's definitely been nice. It's felt like I've been losing touch with people lately. Adam is gone and I never see Mike anymore because of his car problems. Never got to hang out with Jeremy. Haven't talked to Caenis or Plague in forever. I'm really happy Jeremy may be moving back.

As far as everything else goes, it's been just as eventful. We had practically a genuine hurricane week before last. It was definitely the worst storm I remember out here in a long time, but I didn't think it was the near-hurricane storm that it turned out to be. We get flash floods here a lot with storms that aren't even nearly as bad as that one, so I never thought much of that. Several motor homes were tipped upside-down. Roads were closed for days. Was quite a trip. I knew it was bad, but definitely wasn't aware it was THAT bad.

Also, apparently there was a double homicide on my street a few days ago. Was just three houses down from mine. How about that? This town is already just a crappy little burg that thinks it's a huge city, but this is ridiculous. Even the crime is starting to escalate to emulate bigger city proportions. Still, that's something you just don't really expect in this part of town. One of those things you look back on and just go "whoa... that really happened?".

So yeah. Been quite a stretch of weeks to be living in this house, and in Bullhead in general.

I need some fucking music after this shit. We'll start with a bona-fide classic. Mmm. :0)

( count the stars)

Can't sleep....   
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 ~ 3:14pm
mood: weary
This blows. I'm always feeling worn these days, but I can't fall asleep when I need to. So I end up staying up for hours after I want to go to bed. Then when I actually DO finally end up falling asleep, I end up sleeping 9 or 10 hours. I HATE oversleeping. Unless there's a good reason for it, it's just horribly unproductive and wasteful.

That's the worst part. I haven't even been able to get much done the past half a week or so. It's infuriating.

It's times like these I really miss Adam being here. But that's a whole other subject....

I guess it's just a mess of circumstances. The heat is debilitating and is always just pounding its negativity all over me. The overall stress of my current situation in life is constantly wearing me down. I'm not used to the house being this... soulless, empty and quiet.

But I'm starting to depress myself a little bit. Gotta be appreciative of the good things, which there is definitely some of.

( count the stars)

Life blows.   
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009 ~ 8:40pm
mood: empty
Most everyone is getting fucked over somehow. I'm so tired of it. Lets see....

The d00d who has been there for me for nine years and is the biggest reason I'm happy with who I am has split to find his happiness that I could never help him find.
I have two people on opposite sides of the country who both need me to be there with them.
Should I stay where I'm at, I risk losing one of the only things I have good in my life right now.
Should I leave, I risk crushing myself under the guilt of abandoning the one person I owe more than anyone.

It comes with the territory, I suppose. The more you invest in life, naturally, the more complicated it gets. It's just the way it is. If everything were always clear or easy life would be pretty hollow. Still, I certainly could do without this conflict. Perhaps if I'm patient and keep a rational head on my shoulders, a relatively simple solution will present itself.

However, should it not.... I have no idea. I really can't imagine a way out that doesn't hurt someone. That doesn't hurt a lot of people.

But like I said... I've just gotta be patient and keep a straight head. Things will only get worse if I start to come unraveled. So I can't do that, no matter how badly it eats away at me sometimes. And no matter how bad all the crap with everyone else I care about is piling on.

( count the stars)

I'm a fat asshole   
Wednesday, May 20th, 2009 ~ 11:10am
  I really need to get healthier. My foot fell asleep while I was walking the other day. Pretty pathetic. I'm at my heaviest... I think ever. I'm ridiculously unhealthy.

The biggest problem is it's so hot. I never want to actually get out and do something. The heat is so brutal out here, sometimes I feel sick when I'm just sitting there. It's going to be hitting the 110s next week. Agh.

Ah well. At the very least, I can eat healthier. Need to cut down on cheese and unhealthy snacks. I want to go back to eating apples and bananas as snacks, but after the last time I ate an apple and had that toothache, I am kinda wary of them. Plus, eating better is more expensive, and we barely cover things right now.


(3 broken dreams count the stars)

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009 ~ 8:14pm
  My dreams have been uncharacteristically happy lately. Not to send the wrong message, my dreams aren't depressing or anything (well, most of the time). They're just normally pretty random and wacky.

But the last few nights, I've been having dreams that are fully enjoyable. Because these dreams are actually dreams. They're of things I wish for my actual life.

It's nice when you can go to sleep and dream of things that you really wish for. But it's all perspective. Those dreams either make you appreciate things more easily, or they make you resent reality. Normally I'd fall into the latter category, what with my endlessly pessimistic outlook on things. But today I am happy to say I am seeing things from the former point of view.

I so seldom wake up feeling contented that when it happens it's like a new feeling. It's so easy to appreciate times like this.

( count the stars)

Whiny crap.   
Thursday, April 30th, 2009 ~ 9:38pm
mood: call the whaaaambulance :\
Wish I could feel like I was a part of it. Like I honestly made a difference.

Why is it too much to ask for? Ha, yeah, I'm probably just being dramatic. But I can tell when it gets this bad, because I start wishing I was back in my teenage years when my feelings were dead. Is that weakness? I can't tell, because I always pull myself out.

It's kinda pathetic. I mean, I'm guilty of the same thing. Why do I react this way? It's selfish and melodramatic. I think it's the culmination of the last few nights. When shit gets poured out as much as it has lately, I'm going to explode at some point. A little sooner than I expected, but that last bit this evening was all too obvious a catalyst. Even so, I shouldn't let it do that.

I hate being as logical as I am sometimes. It makes me disdain my emotional reaction even more. To know in my brain how ridiculous it is and still be unable to keep it under control is infuriating.

I love the way a bass guitar sounds. I should really try learning to play. It would probably be a good release, and it would be fun and also help keep me focused on what's important. I need to get over my confidence issues. My brain always gives me the logic, and I understand it perfectly. Giving up is worse than failure. I still don't even try. Weak.

Haha. I'm listening to a song I shouldn't be. It's just going to open up further. But I'm gonna let it go. I may even hit the Stag later. Hey, as long as we're exercising questionable judgment at the moment, right?

Maybe I should take a walk. Maybe I should visit Mike at work later. Why not? I dunno.

I love music. It's so much better than any drug.

(1 broken dream count the stars)

Random update   
Thursday, March 12th, 2009 ~ 7:41am
mood: aggravated
I haven't updated here in a while. I always think about something and decide I should just throw it here, but for some reason I just haven't lately. I guess it's mostly because I don't get on my computer as much as I used to. Ah well.

I'm feeling fairly blue. It's frustrating to possess such empathy as I do, yet have friends who don't trust. It's like my potential is being wasted. But I suppose with as fucked up as I am, I'd be wasting my own potential anyway if the situation were different.

I desperately need to gain confidence in myself. That's the most major problem I've got right now. I got over low self-esteem a while ago. But it's aggravating to realize how pointless hating yourself is, yet still not having confidence in anything you say or do. Failure is always daunting, and sometimes I just want to kick it in the nuts. But I'm too much of a pansy.

It's like this house (and to a lesser extent, this town) is choking me. I feel pretty at ease when I'm hanging out with Jeremy, or when Mike comes by and we go out and do something. Hell, even when I used to join Adam on his walks, it was at least something. It's like I can't muster up the energy to do anything when I'm around here. Sometimes I imagine how different it would be if we actually could get out of here and move somewhere.

Sometimes I wish me, Adam and Jeremy could just throw a few things in Mike's van and take off. Go somewhere. Anywhere. Make something out of nothing. Somehow. Just throw away all inhibitions and fucking get out there and make things happen with just the four of us. Figure it out on the way, let us catalyze each other.

My life has stagnated to the point I can barely stand to live with myself anymore. It's always a constant stream of frustration and discontent. And every time I pluck up the confidence to try to do something, I always shrink. All motivation ceases, and I sink into malaise. The recession isn't helping, either. Just finding a job would help, but there simply aren't any out here, and pretty soon there won't be anywhere.

I've just gotta stick it out for another year. Things should get easier next year.

( count the stars)

Fuck all.   
Monday, January 5th, 2009 ~ 6:15am
mood: infuriated
Why does everything I touch turn to crap? Awesome way to start the new year.

Fuck all.

(1 broken dream count the stars)

See ya, 2008.   
Thursday, January 1st, 2009 ~ 8:57am
  And screw you too. Here's hoping 2009 isn't as much of a dickhead.  

(1 broken dream count the stars)

"We will crush them all like vermin!"   
Thursday, December 11th, 2008 ~ 9:31am
mood: gloomy
Life is so fucking lame. Another application, another likely rejection. I'm never going to find a job out here. Gonna try hitting up some restaurants for some busboy jobs soon. As if it'll do any good. I hate December. The annual "Monumentally Fucked Up December Moment" hasn't occured yet, so there's always that to look forward to. Dammit.

Perfect opportunity to get swept up in the music. Particularly some metal. Get some fucking powerful guitar blasting in your ears and just headbang and let it carry you away. Got some Nightwish going now. Before that, it was Megadeth. Before that, All That Remains. Think I'll hit some Children of Bodom next. I think I've hit about half of metal's subgenres in the last 45 minutes. It's been a while since I've been in a pure metal mood, but I'm in pretty desperate need of some heavy guitar right now.

Fuck, I love metal. Music in general, really. It's damn near my only release. I just wish I could stay huddled behind my headphones and not come out for the rest of the month.

Ooh, and now I've shifted gears for a moment to the wonderful Liberi Fatali, courtesy of Final Fantasy VIII. No powerful guitar, but certainly powerful in a different way entirely. Plus, I always replay images from the opening of the game in my head when I hear it. FFVIII probably has my favorite opening of any RPG.

( count the stars)